It's that time of the year again, just one of many times that is highlighted for us that we have lost a baby. Yes, it is important to make people aware. For people to understand.
But what about us?
How do you find this time?
Do we need another reminder, when we remember every day?
Every single day.
Personally, I have chosen not to look at certain social media sites at this time.
Why?
Because I don't want to go back there.
Although, I did have a quick look before writing this blog, just to check in with myself, check in with my feelings when I looked. I was right for not wanting to look.
How did I feel?
Sad.
Sad that loss is on repeat.
Sad that parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles are going through this.
I lost my son 21 years ago and when I look at those posts, I'm back there. The vivid images so clear, even though it was 21 years ago, I'm there.
What's changed for me though?
I've learnt to live with my grief.
I've done a lot of work, reflecting on my feelings, allowing myself to live through the stages of grief and feeling proud that I have learnt a way to live alongside it.
My loss now;
I've turned into my gain.
Some people may find this hard to understand, especially if you have just lost your child.
My gain is my strength.
It's where I am now and how I got here.
My gain is to see the positive now, and believe me I didn't see it at the time. I was sad, angry at the world, angry at God.
I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.
I wanted a reason. I was crying our for a reason, someone to blame.
I never really got the reason I wanted, but now I say to the parents I support, that my reason for losing my son was so that I could support other parents.
My son made me who I am today.
He also gave me three days, where I saw him move, heard him cry and saw his eyes open.
That's my gain.
To give birth to an angel!